


A Clownfish and a Mushroom

by Lilili_cat



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 15:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19022422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilili_cat/pseuds/Lilili_cat
Summary: Crack Butsuma/Tajima snippet inspired by drelfina'sA Possible Beginning: Clownfish the Prequel.Also, Butsuma is a portrayed a lot lighter, nicer and long-suffering than he actually is.  Read at your own peril.





	A Clownfish and a Mushroom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [drelfina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/gifts).
  * Inspired by [A Possible Beginning: Clownfish the Prequel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19014541) by [drelfina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina). 



> To drelfina: I hope you know you're a terrible influence on me. :)

Senju Butsuma knows three things in life. The first, that Tajima is a Rotten Little Fungus of a blind abandoning traitorous Uchiha (and not the tasty kind with that chewy firmness and the delightful salty-beef taste and is absolutely divine in a bowl of chawanmushi); the second, that while Hashirama is an incurable idealist, he is still a perfectly acceptable son and heir (but best not let the boy know—he might decide to pursue his ridiculous dreams even _more_ ); and the third, that Tobirama is his brilliant prodigy who really, really ought to have been born first.

(And despite what his wife Kamiko had thought, it has nothing to do with who would inherit leadership after him—he is free to pick whoever proves strongest of his children. No, he has always hoped that Tobirama would influence Hashirama, rather than the other way around.)

Well...at least, that is what he had thought he knew.

Butsuma pinches the bridge of his nose. He can feel a migraine coming on and...just...

“You did what?”

He looks at his son.

No, the breasts and hips don't change anything. Tobirama is his son. He is raised as a son, and he thinks like a son and _damnit_ how did this happen?

“Tobira-chan improved on my old jutsu,” his elder son hovers protectively over the...girl.

Son, damnit. Son.

Said girl elbows her (his?) brother in the ribs.

“I am not a -chan!”

“But Tobira...”

“No.”

Butsuma looks up to the sky and prays to his family's ancestral kami for patience.

He loves his sons. Really he does.

“Cancel whatever it is and get back to training.”

“But father,” Hashirama protests. “How will we teach the others how to handle the symptoms safely if Tobirama doesn't continue testing it?”

...Symptoms?

“What symptoms?”

Then the words fully catch up to his throbbing brain.

“ _What others_?!”

\-----

As it turns out, when Tobirama had been improving on Hashirama's old prank jutsu, Butsuma's niece Katsumi had been watching. And then Katsumi had tested it out on himself (herself?) when Hatake Daichi was visiting to trade their excess furs for the rice Hashirama had grown. And then Hatake Daichi apparently had the common sense of a flea and decided to try it out on herself (himself?) while still drunk off of the celebratory wine they had after the last successful hunt and then...

Butsuma really needs a new family. A _sensible_ family. With _sensible_ allies. Who did _sensible_ things.

Things like not getting pregnant while drunk and on a half-formed jutsu that no one quite knew how to revert and that his 15 year old genius son with the (infuriatingly) ever curious mind was still in the process of refining.

Sighing, Butsuma just turns on his heels and walks (slowly) back to his quarters. Perhaps a few more hours of sleep would do him good. And then when he wakes up, this will all be a dream brought on by eating too many mushrooms.

(Just like 40 years ago when he ate too many mushrooms and dreamed of a black-haired boy his age by the river.)

Kamiko always warned him about the mushrooms.

\-----

As it turns out, The Jutsu, as Butsuma has privately taken to calling it, does prove to be useful after all.

“And the Sarutobi?”

Butsuma considers it. Since Katsumi is now engaged to Daichi, that leaves...

“Hideo.”

Yes, his cousin's son would be a good fit for the Sarutobi. They have only sons close enough to Hideo's age such that it was not a possibility before but with Tobirama's jutsu, that is no longer a problem.

“And the Nara?”

He shudders just thinking about it.

Nara Masumi may be one of the most intelligent shinobi he has ever met, but the sheer effort the woman puts into doing as little as she can get away with...

“No.”

He has no desire to have that kind of laziness take root in his family.

“What about the Uchiha?” Hashirama pipes up.

Butsuma stares long and hard at his son and wonders where he went so, so wrong.

(He's careful not to look into his mirror for the rest of the day).

\-----

That night, Butsuma tosses and turns in his bed, unable to sleep.

It is such a bad idea.

Really, no, super bad.

They hate the Uchiha.

The Uchiha hate them.

They have been vying for land and territory for over centuries, possibly even a millenia (Butsuma isn't sure—he never could get a satisfactory answer from his father that one time he asked).

Hashirama is already engaged to the Uzumaki girl.

Tobirama...is still free, but he's not giving up his precious second son to the Uchiha! Who knows what those perverts would do to him?

And he's already matched up all the other nieces, nephews and even a few cousins.

(He doesn't want to know, that time he walked in on Haru and the Akimichi clan head at the temple didn't happen, they decided to make a marriage contract strictly for alliances, and he's sticking with that story. Elder Kyo can stop pestering him about why he won't step foot in that temple, and that is that.)

And That Forsaking Fungus is so stubborn, he'd never let his children...

Butsuma turns over in his bed and stares at the empty spot where his wife used to lay.

Kamiko really was the best.

She was smart, tactful, curious about everything she came across and always got the chefs to make him chawanmushi with lots of mushrooms. And she always understood.

About him, about the Uchiha, about That Fungus.

And, as an extra bonus, she drove Elder Kyo nuts.

Ah...Elder Kyo. Best to avoid the library tomorrow. Elder Kyo still hasn't let up on his negligence in visiting the temple even though it's been a full month.

If only Kamiko were still here. She would put Elder Kyo in his place the same way she put That Deceiving Fungus in his place during that last battle before she got sick.

It had been such a beautiful sight.

That Unfaithful Fungus's face in the dirt, Kamiko's sandled feet on his neck. It was the last time Butsuma thought The Fungus tolerable and even if...even if That Fungus was...

And that's when Butsuma has an epiphany.

\-----

“You want to what?”

“Marriage contract.”

“For...?!”

“That Fun-I mean Uchiha Tajima.”

Elder Kyo blinks at him. Then blinks at him some more.

“Have you been eating mushrooms again?”

\-----

Tobirama tilts his head in confusion.

“So wait, this whole time, father had been childhood best friends with Uchiha Tajima and felt jilted because the man chose his family instead of him when they were 12?”

Elder Kyo looks as if he's bitten a lemon.

“But I thought he always hated the Uchiha?”

Two lemons.

“Is that why he said you can't trust them, and they'll turn on you? Personal experience?”

An army of lemons.

“Well,” Hashirama mutters, completely and utterly confused, “I guess this means I'm free to be friends with Madara again.”

“Just don't marriage contract with him. You're already promised to Uzumaki Mito.”

Hashirama hides the betrothal letter behind his back. “I would never!”

What Tobirama doesn't know won't end up with Hashirama drowned in the koi pond.

Though it's a shame. Hashirama always wanted another brother.


End file.
